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November 25, 2004
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"Organised religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of fear of some intangable parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says 'Do it and I'll fucking spank you!'"
- Dogma

It takes a brave person to place their faith in religion.

Especially a religion like, say...oh just let me pull one out of a hat here...Christianity.

Here we have a religion based on the Bible. A big thick book full of stories told in a strange form of old school english, stories which occured about two thousand years ago in either
a) reality, or
b) some stoners head

Because lets face it: some of the shit they spin is really quite amazing.

Water becomes wine only after a hardcore smoking session and too many Dorritos. Piss would taste like wine when you're that wasted.

I've often believed that I am walking on water, when really I'm just stumbling down a road while it's raining, drunk off my nut, splashing through puddles.

"Oh look, I'm walking on water! Worship me, ask me for forgiveness for everything that I say is wrong, and abstain from pre-marital sex because NONE of you could ever, or would ever be, as awesome as me."

Far fetched, non? Apparently not. And there are billions of Christians out there who are proving me right every day.

Don't get me wrong. I think believing in something like Christianity is a wonderful thing. And I'll be honest, I hadn't read more than a page of the Bible up until 2 hours ago.

You see, I decided that if I'm going to not religious, I might as well become informed as to why.

I decided to begin my research at the beginning of the New Testament, considering, at least as far as I can tell, even devout Christians often disregard the Old Testament as outdated and crap. Lord knows why.

So without further ado:

10 Things Wrong With The New Testament: "Matthew"

(1) We greet the New Testament with a shitload of "begats". Now I don't claim to know much about writing, but I think half a page of "begats" isn't a very good way to grab an audience. An alternative method would to be a little bit more descriptive of said "begating". And maybe a mention of the bitches involved. You know, the women that were in labour for hours and pushed all those men out. I also would've liked to see a paragraph or two devoted to how Abraham, Isaac (etc) got together with their ladies.  Because an audience loves nothing more than a little sexual tension, a little romance, and some hardcore begating by the fireplace. With all those couples, you could make a killer Mills and Boon novel, only set in the Middle East, with camels, and sand...and things.

(2) Jesus is referred to as "The King of Jews". If Jesus is a King of Jews, then why aren't Christians...Jewish?

(3) Two words: Immacuate Conception.
Now I've heard some whoppers in my time. Like this one time I was watching Maury Povitch, and this woman swore that she had never had sex with her cousin, and when her cousin turned out to be the father of her kid, she went crazy and kept screaming that her and her cousin had never slept together. That was pretty rich. But claiming that Mary was somehow magically inpregnated by, if I saw that on Springer, I'd be rolling around. And I think you would too. You know it.

(4) Joseph claims God spoke to him in his dreams like a thousand times.
They say "dream". I say "stoned haze". Think about that.

(5) So we hit Chapter 4, and "Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness, to be tempted of the devil." For 40 days and 40 nights, brothers and sisters. Did anyone go with Jesus? No.
Now, I have no doubt that the good man went walkabout. But I think he partied hard those nights, because it'd be the last time the man would get some time to himself. And who can blame him, ain't nothing wrong with that. Wilderness Girls Gone Wild Volume 4. Yeah, you get what I'm sayin'.

(6) The Sermon on the Mount. Good heavens, I could go on forever about this little ditty. The overall sentiment is, for the most part, fine. But I have a few problems.
First and foremost, Matthew must think I'm a damn cracker foo' if he thinks I'm gonna believe that he remembered everything Jesus said word for word. It is my belief that Matthew probably added in some things that he thought were important personally. For example, the divorce part. It's pretty muddled, and I'm having a fair time trying to understand it. So I say unto you, dear readers, that the reason this part is muddled is because Matthew added it. Because his wife cheated on him. A lot. And who can blame her when he's following another man around like a puppy? He gottsa take care of his bizzniss. Shyeah. And wot.

(7) By this point, I've read a lot about fasting. The Bible promoting anorexia and bulemia? Is that what I'm saying? Damn right that's what I'm saying. Might as well grab the Bible, slap a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover and call it Cleo.

(8) There are zombies in the Bible. That's right. You heard me. Zombies. Don't believe me? Allow me to refer you to Matthew 8:28:
"And when he was come to the other side...there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way."
See? Evil people coming out of tombs = zombies. Not that I have anything against zombies. Zombie movies are okay. But I don't think zombie character assassination is acceptable, especially in the book of the Lord.
We should accept and love all of Gods creatures.
Even the ones that eat brains.
But no, he sends them into a bunch of pigs who then throw temselves off a cliff into the sea. Like a weird suicidal swine moshpit of doom.

(Note: In Matthew 10:8, Jesus tells his disciples to go forth and, among other things, "rasie the dead", which leads me to believe that Jesus perhaps created zombies for fun, and then hunted them for sport.)

(9) So we hit Chapter 13, after a whole heap of healing and nonsense. Here we find Jesus on a ship, screaming out stories about seeds to a multitude of followers standing on the shore. Crazy guy, eh? And his disciples are all like "Dude. why are you talking in parables?" (A parable is a simple story with a moral, or religious significance. Word of the day. Use it in a sentence today.)
And Jesus says "In a nutshell, because they're dumb."
I'm paraphrasing, but you get it. Jesus saying...his followers are stupid? Can not comprehend the words that are coming out of his pie hole? Let me tell you, he'd make it a whole lot easier if he spoke normal English, that's fo shizzle. Instead of all these haths, untos, etc. And if he quit talking in freakin circles. He does that a lot, my man Jesus. Repeats himself too. Especially something about plucking your eye out. I saw him say that like three times.

(10) Jesus is kinda pissed in Chapter 21, and makes a fig tree die. And his people are all like "Whoa man, you killed that tree dude." (See how I could turn the Bible into a feature film a la "Dude Where's My Car?" Yeah, that's a killer idea).
And Jesus was like "Fo sho, I could say to this moutain 'oi! fall into the ocean!' and it fully would because that's how God and I roll."
And then Matthew says, get this: "And all things whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall recieve."
Now that's a pretty big call. "All things"? So what if I...well, not I, as I don't "believe", as it were...but what if someone asked for something that didn't a...big pink dragon that sings caberet tunes? I mean, why would you claim something like that?
I'll tell you why. It's a trick statement. That's right. Y'know why?
Because a true believer wouldn't ask for anything more than what they have.
See, even I know that, and I'm a freakin' heathen.
Why would you say that if it's a trick?! WHY?! Jesus is a mind screwer of the highest degree. It just ain't right when a leader does that.

At this point of my reading I got a headache, so I closed the Bible and played some video games.

It's just so strange, isn't it?
People base their lives on this book, wage war in the name of God, deny totally natural urges and hate people because of what's written in this book.

And yet, in the eyes of some, I'm going to Hell. For pre-marital sex. For working on Sunday, for accepting homosexuality. Maybe even just for writing this.

I live a good life. I am a good person. I don't discriminate. I don't hate anyone. I think people can believe in whatever God they like, follow any religion, even just be a good person by following their own personal moral beliefs.

And this should be good enough for any God/Gods/Goddess that may or may not exist.

Yes, it does take a brave person to place their faith in religion.
But it takes an even more brave person to place their faith in themselves.

"When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're too self-righteous to realise that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith.:"
- Dogma
The other night I decided to pick up the Bible and give it a squizz.
I'm not religious at all, I just wanted to give it a look see.
These are my observations.

Please note that I do not intend to offend anyone with what I have written. It's all just a bit of fun, and I think you can probably see that quite easily. You can see my point, people, I know you can.
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Lookupandsingtohim Featured By Owner May 20, 2011
so do you guys disagree with all religions or do you only disagree with the bible to be part of a fad that makes you look cool and different...

What you are going to do now is get so fussy that will try to find words to put on here to hurt my feelings to make your life seem like it has purpose.

I will pray for you. All religions pray so by saying that I am christian only based on "praying" then you have a little bit more to learn about religion.
chris-chris-po-piss Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2009
All b.s. aside I'd have to say I agree with the basic message that they say Jesus was for i.e. love one another live peacfully etc. but with that said, I couldn't agree more with what you're saying.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. " -Mohandas Ghandi
Ayako-xo Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2008
i just have to say i'm christian

this was really freaking funny.
Bersaglio Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2007   Writer
LMAO absolutely hilarious; and all this only from one book of the New Testament? I dont believe it.
Autumn-Forest Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2006
This is the best peice i've read in a very, very long time.

You've pointed out so much and it is a very funny satire. :)

I say, keep them coming, :D.
punkerbunker Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006
Funny, true, and yeah, like family guy.

Those were some miraculous hand tricks.

I think it's ok believing in something, but i think it's stupid to use it to justify violence.
KrimtheCeruleanAzure Featured By Owner May 8, 2006
You are a wonderful person. I love how you used the Dogma quotes.
SchwarzesSeele Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2006   Writer
I just read this and... Lmao.

Yeah. It's great. Made me giggle. Fav-dom, man. =D
paper0umbrella Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2005
Shit i put in 2 versions.

I'm sorry, my computer is el lame. I don't know how to delete the flawed one, it's the one without the quote. That one can be tossed.
paper0umbrella Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2005

I'm an avid atheist, but i respect anyone with beliefs. I do not respect those who twist things to their own agenda. Opinons get touchy when it comes to religion.

This, i think, is one of the funniest views ive ever read about the bible. You had me laughing all the way. I'm one for comedy. Also, i'm quite the cynic.

I wish we could discuss this in person.

It all comes down to opinion and hitting the right button to set people off. Hate is the most distinct quality i've found in religious people i've come in contact with. When all they promote is "God's love". Their "Holier than thou" outlook is ignorant. My best example is that I have a friend (who is 16, not really a friend actually, an old friend and someone i talk to in math class) with a baby on the way to his engaged woman partner (he proposed at homecoming). He has called me "Evil" and "Dead inside". Also to the point of saying that i saddened him because of my thoughts on religion. I am a nice gal, so i did not say all the things i wanted to him. But he makes me the most angery. Following the bible soooooo closely that he can put forth so much judgement toward myself but none to himself. I am a horrible person for not believing in his God. But he can have a 'bastard' child (which it is if you are not wed), and have unGODly (pun not intended) amounts of sex on a regular basis. It ruffles my feathers that he has the audasity to call me out when he is flawed himself, comitting his own sins against god. But, no matter what, a "Sorry, my bad." at the end of the day will make things right. I guess its all opinion, really.

Now i am not saying i dislike religious people, not in the least. But it's those devout ones, the complete hypocrites that get me going.

Sorry about the rant. Heh... i am an opinionated little 'heathen' myself. Thought i'd share with a complete stranger is all. You inspired me to read the bible to get more information on what i'm against too. Thanks, this was the highlight of my day.

My favorite quote, which i think never rang more true.
"That's the issue. Religion is great in theory. Like communism. Then you add people to the equation and it fucks everything up."
That's my new favorite quote.
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