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"Organised religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of fear of some intangable parent figure who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says 'Do it and I'll fucking spank you!'"
- Dogma


It takes a brave person to place their faith in religion.

Especially a religion like, say...oh just let me pull one out of a hat here...Christianity.

Here we have a religion based on the Bible. A big thick book full of stories told in a strange form of old school english, stories which occured about two thousand years ago in either
a) reality, or
b) some stoners head

Because lets face it: some of the shit they spin is really quite amazing.

Water becomes wine only after a hardcore smoking session and too many Dorritos. Piss would taste like wine when you're that wasted.

I've often believed that I am walking on water, when really I'm just stumbling down a road while it's raining, drunk off my nut, splashing through puddles.

"Oh look, I'm walking on water! Worship me, ask me for forgiveness for everything that I say is wrong, and abstain from pre-marital sex because NONE of you could ever, or would ever be, as awesome as me."

Far fetched, non? Apparently not. And there are billions of Christians out there who are proving me right every day.

Don't get me wrong. I think believing in something like Christianity is a wonderful thing. And I'll be honest, I hadn't read more than a page of the Bible up until 2 hours ago.

You see, I decided that if I'm going to not religious, I might as well become informed as to why.

I decided to begin my research at the beginning of the New Testament, considering, at least as far as I can tell, even devout Christians often disregard the Old Testament as outdated and crap. Lord knows why.

So without further ado:

10 Things Wrong With The New Testament: "Matthew"

(1) We greet the New Testament with a shitload of "begats". Now I don't claim to know much about writing, but I think half a page of "begats" isn't a very good way to grab an audience. An alternative method would to be a little bit more descriptive of said "begating". And maybe a mention of the bitches involved. You know, the women that were in labour for hours and pushed all those men out. I also would've liked to see a paragraph or two devoted to how Abraham, Isaac (etc) got together with their ladies.  Because an audience loves nothing more than a little sexual tension, a little romance, and some hardcore begating by the fireplace. With all those couples, you could make a killer Mills and Boon novel, only set in the Middle East, with camels, and sand...and things.

(2) Jesus is referred to as "The King of Jews". If Jesus is a King of Jews, then why aren't Christians...Jewish?

(3) Two words: Immacuate Conception.
Now I've heard some whoppers in my time. Like this one time I was watching Maury Povitch, and this woman swore that she had never had sex with her cousin, and when her cousin turned out to be the father of her kid, she went crazy and kept screaming that her and her cousin had never slept together. That was pretty rich. But claiming that Mary was somehow magically inpregnated by God...man, if I saw that on Springer, I'd be rolling around. And I think you would too. You know it.

(4) Joseph claims God spoke to him in his dreams like a thousand times.
They say "dream". I say "stoned haze". Think about that.

(5) So we hit Chapter 4, and "Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness, to be tempted of the devil." For 40 days and 40 nights, brothers and sisters. Did anyone go with Jesus? No.
Now, I have no doubt that the good man went walkabout. But I think he partied hard those nights, because it'd be the last time the man would get some time to himself. And who can blame him, ain't nothing wrong with that. Wilderness Girls Gone Wild Volume 4. Yeah, you get what I'm sayin'.

(6) The Sermon on the Mount. Good heavens, I could go on forever about this little ditty. The overall sentiment is, for the most part, fine. But I have a few problems.
First and foremost, Matthew must think I'm a damn cracker foo' if he thinks I'm gonna believe that he remembered everything Jesus said word for word. It is my belief that Matthew probably added in some things that he thought were important personally. For example, the divorce part. It's pretty muddled, and I'm having a fair time trying to understand it. So I say unto you, dear readers, that the reason this part is muddled is because Matthew added it. Because his wife cheated on him. A lot. And who can blame her when he's following another man around like a puppy? He gottsa take care of his bizzniss. Shyeah. And wot.

(7) By this point, I've read a lot about fasting. The Bible promoting anorexia and bulemia? Is that what I'm saying? Damn right that's what I'm saying. Might as well grab the Bible, slap a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover and call it Cleo.

(8) There are zombies in the Bible. That's right. You heard me. Zombies. Don't believe me? Allow me to refer you to Matthew 8:28:
"And when he was come to the other side...there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way."
See? Evil people coming out of tombs = zombies. Not that I have anything against zombies. Zombie movies are okay. But I don't think zombie character assassination is acceptable, especially in the book of the Lord.
We should accept and love all of Gods creatures.
Even the ones that eat brains.
But no, he sends them into a bunch of pigs who then throw temselves off a cliff into the sea. Like a weird suicidal swine moshpit of doom.

(Note: In Matthew 10:8, Jesus tells his disciples to go forth and, among other things, "rasie the dead", which leads me to believe that Jesus perhaps created zombies for fun, and then hunted them for sport.)

(9) So we hit Chapter 13, after a whole heap of healing and nonsense. Here we find Jesus on a ship, screaming out stories about seeds to a multitude of followers standing on the shore. Crazy guy, eh? And his disciples are all like "Dude. why are you talking in parables?" (A parable is a simple story with a moral, or religious significance. Word of the day. Use it in a sentence today.)
And Jesus says "In a nutshell, because they're dumb."
I'm paraphrasing, but you get it.
So...is Jesus saying...his followers are stupid? Can not comprehend the words that are coming out of his pie hole? Let me tell you, he'd make it a whole lot easier if he spoke normal English, that's fo shizzle. Instead of all these haths, untos, etc. And if he quit talking in freakin circles. He does that a lot, my man Jesus. Repeats himself too. Especially something about plucking your eye out. I saw him say that like three times.

(10) Jesus is kinda pissed in Chapter 21, and makes a fig tree die. And his people are all like "Whoa man, you killed that tree dude." (See how I could turn the Bible into a feature film a la "Dude Where's My Car?" Yeah, that's a killer idea).
And Jesus was like "Fo sho, I could say to this moutain 'oi! fall into the ocean!' and it fully would because that's how God and I roll."
And then Matthew says, get this: "And all things whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall recieve."
Now that's a pretty big call. "All things"? So what if I...well, not I, as I don't "believe", as it were...but what if someone asked for something that didn't exist...like a...big pink dragon that sings caberet tunes? I mean, why would you claim something like that?
I'll tell you why. It's a trick statement. That's right. Y'know why?
Because a true believer wouldn't ask for anything more than what they have.
See, even I know that, and I'm a freakin' heathen.
Why would you say that if it's a trick?! WHY?! Jesus is a mind screwer of the highest degree. It just ain't right when a leader does that.

At this point of my reading I got a headache, so I closed the Bible and played some video games.

It's just so strange, isn't it?
People base their lives on this book, wage war in the name of God, deny totally natural urges and hate people because of what's written in this book.

And yet, in the eyes of some, I'm going to Hell. For pre-marital sex. For working on Sunday, for accepting homosexuality. Maybe even just for writing this.

I live a good life. I am a good person. I don't discriminate. I don't hate anyone. I think people can believe in whatever God they like, follow any religion, even just be a good person by following their own personal moral beliefs.

And this should be good enough for any God/Gods/Goddess that may or may not exist.

Yes, it does take a brave person to place their faith in religion.
But it takes an even more brave person to place their faith in themselves.

"When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're too self-righteous to realise that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith.:"
- Dogma
The other night I decided to pick up the Bible and give it a squizz.
I'm not religious at all, I just wanted to give it a look see.
These are my observations.

Please note that I do not intend to offend anyone with what I have written. It's all just a bit of fun, and I think you can probably see that quite easily. You can see my point, people, I know you can.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconlookupandsingtohim:
Lookupandsingtohim Featured By Owner May 20, 2011
so do you guys disagree with all religions or do you only disagree with the bible to be part of a fad that makes you look cool and different...

What you are going to do now is get so fussy that will try to find words to put on here to hurt my feelings to make your life seem like it has purpose.

I will pray for you. All religions pray so by saying that I am christian only based on "praying" then you have a little bit more to learn about religion.
Reply
:iconchris-chris-po-piss:
chris-chris-po-piss Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2009
All b.s. aside I'd have to say I agree with the basic message that they say Jesus was for i.e. love one another live peacfully etc. but with that said, I couldn't agree more with what you're saying.




"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. " -Mohandas Ghandi
Reply
:iconayako-xo:
Ayako-xo Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2008
i just have to say i'm christian

but
this was really freaking funny.
Reply
:iconbersaglio:
Bersaglio Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2007   Writer
LMAO absolutely hilarious; and all this only from one book of the New Testament? I dont believe it.
Reply
:iconautumn-forest:
Autumn-Forest Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2006
This is the best peice i've read in a very, very long time.

You've pointed out so much and it is a very funny satire. :)

I say, keep them coming, :D.
Reply
:iconpunkerbunker:
punkerbunker Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2006
Funny, true, and yeah, like family guy.

Those were some miraculous hand tricks.

I think it's ok believing in something, but i think it's stupid to use it to justify violence.
Reply
:iconkrimtheceruleanazure:
KrimtheCeruleanAzure Featured By Owner May 8, 2006
You are a wonderful person. I love how you used the Dogma quotes.
Reply
:iconschwarzesseele:
SchwarzesSeele Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2006   Writer
I just read this and... Lmao.

Yeah. It's great. Made me giggle. Fav-dom, man. =D
Reply
:iconpaper0umbrella:
paper0umbrella Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2005
Shit i put in 2 versions.

I'm sorry, my computer is el lame. I don't know how to delete the flawed one, it's the one without the quote. That one can be tossed.
Reply
:iconpaper0umbrella:
paper0umbrella Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2005
Wow...

I'm an avid atheist, but i respect anyone with beliefs. I do not respect those who twist things to their own agenda. Opinons get touchy when it comes to religion.

This, i think, is one of the funniest views ive ever read about the bible. You had me laughing all the way. I'm one for comedy. Also, i'm quite the cynic.

I wish we could discuss this in person.

It all comes down to opinion and hitting the right button to set people off. Hate is the most distinct quality i've found in religious people i've come in contact with. When all they promote is "God's love". Their "Holier than thou" outlook is ignorant. My best example is that I have a friend (who is 16, not really a friend actually, an old friend and someone i talk to in math class) with a baby on the way to his engaged woman partner (he proposed at homecoming). He has called me "Evil" and "Dead inside". Also to the point of saying that i saddened him because of my thoughts on religion. I am a nice gal, so i did not say all the things i wanted to him. But he makes me the most angery. Following the bible soooooo closely that he can put forth so much judgement toward myself but none to himself. I am a horrible person for not believing in his God. But he can have a 'bastard' child (which it is if you are not wed), and have unGODly (pun not intended) amounts of sex on a regular basis. It ruffles my feathers that he has the audasity to call me out when he is flawed himself, comitting his own sins against god. But, no matter what, a "Sorry, my bad." at the end of the day will make things right. I guess its all opinion, really.

Now i am not saying i dislike religious people, not in the least. But it's those devout ones, the complete hypocrites that get me going.

Sorry about the rant. Heh... i am an opinionated little 'heathen' myself. Thought i'd share with a complete stranger is all. You inspired me to read the bible to get more information on what i'm against too. Thanks, this was the highlight of my day.

My favorite quote, which i think never rang more true.
"That's the issue. Religion is great in theory. Like communism. Then you add people to the equation and it fucks everything up."
That's my new favorite quote.
Reply
:iconpaper0umbrella:
paper0umbrella Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2005
Wow...

I'm an avid atheist, but i respect anyone with beliefs. I do not respect those who twist things to their own agenda. Opinons get touchy when it comes to religion.

This, i think, is one of the funniest views ive ever read about the bible. You had me laughing all the way. I'm one for comedy. Also, i'm quite the cynic.

I wish we could discuss this in person.

It all comes down to opinion and hitting the right button to set people off. Hate is the most distinct quality i've found in religious people i've come in contact with. When all they promote is "God's love". Their "Holier than thou" outlook is ignorant. My best example is that I have a friend (who is 16, not really a friend actually, an old friend and someone i talk to in math class) with a baby on the way to his engaged woman partner (he proposed at homecoming). He has called me "Evil" and "Dead inside". Also to the point of saying that i saddened him because of my thoughts on religion. I am a nice gal, so i did not say all the things i wanted to him. But he makes me the most angery. Following the bible soooooo closely that he can put forth so much judgement toward myself but none to himself. I am a horrible person for not believing in his God. But he can have a 'bastard' child (which it is if you are not wed), and have unGODly (pun not intended) amounts of sex on a regular basis. It ruffles my feathers that he has the audasity to call me out when he is flawed himself, comitting his own sins against god. But, no matter what, a "Sorry, my bad." at the end of the day will make things right. I guess its all opinion, really.

Now i am not saying i dislike religious people, not in the least. But it's those devout ones, the complete hypocrites that get me going.

Sorry about the rant. Heh... i am an opinionated little 'heathen' myself. Thought i'd share with a complete stranger is all. You inspired me to read the bible to get more information on what i'm against too. Thanks, this was the highlight of my day.
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2005
I totally understand what you're saying about the person you know. Most Christians I know and are friends with are so amazingly hypocritical that it's almost funny.. not all, but most.

I'm glad I created you favorite quote :D and am flattered.

Thankyou for your comment and your thoughts.
Reply
:iconshelikesnice:
shelikesnice Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2005
Oh, a ninja Jesus would be awesome!

Wazzaaaaa. *spins numchuck things*

Heh, wonderful job, see you in Hell, buddy (:

Hee. I kid, I kid. *adds to favorites*
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2005
Hahaha, ninja Jesus... the images... :rofl:
Reply
:iconshelikesnice:
shelikesnice Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2005
For some reason I'm reminded of the Family Guy movie.

"Jesus wasn't all he was cracked up to be".

And he's..like, switching fingers on his hands and...going "do do do"...it's...hilarious.
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2005
LOL, yeah, I've seen that, that was comedy gold :rofl:
Reply
:iconspamuel:
Spamuel Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2005   Writer
"some hardcore begating by the fireplace"

LOL!

genius.
Reply
:iconscrumptious:
scrumptious Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2005
"When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're too self-righteous to reali[z]e that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith.:"
- "Dogma"



In a way, that's what Jesus preached. The unclean and the clean are both loved by God. The people of the church brought politics into religion--not God himself. Reading ONE chapter of the bible is not going to help you understand Christianity any better. You should also get a different bible because you have the King James Version or something so it's totally incoherent. Get the New International Version (NIV) and it will be much easier to understand so you won't get all mixed up! :) So ta da.

And although it is fun to poke fun at the bible and such, remember that you are basically insulting other peoples' way of life. It's kind of weird nobody tried to argue with you!! :p It's important to take into account that Christianity is not the only religion and despite what other people think, the Bible is an extremely intelligent piece of literature. Another thing is that the bible is not to be taken literally for many parts--Jesus talked in riddles. "Raising the dead" could mean spreading the gospel and thus saving people from "death" after death. So, raising the living to eternal life, for instance. It could also mean healing those who were paralyzed and unable to move, so like a dead person. If you don't look at it in all different ways, you end up sounding like an ignorant fool who is overly cynical about a subject not made for cynicism.

I have some things to correct you in, just so you and other people understand it a little better:


(1) We greet the New Testament with a shitload of "begats". Now I don't claim to know much about writing, but I think half a page of "begats" isn't a very good way to grab an audience. An alternative method would to be a little bit more descriptive of said "begating". And maybe a mention of the bitches involved.
You know, the women that were in labour for hours and pushed all those men out. I also would've liked to see a paragraph or two devoted to how Abraham, Isaac (etc) got together with their ladies. Because an audience loves nothing more than a little sexual tension, a little romance, and some hardcore begating by the fireplace. With all those couples, you could make a killer Mills and Boon novel, only set in the Middle East, with camels, and sand...and things.


Begats and such are important in the bible to follow the geneology of ancestors. So don't read them if you don't like them. They weren't meant to entertain you. It's just documentation. As for the soap opera idea--nobody cared back then. And the women—for the most part, society, up until around 100 years ago, thought women were retarded and worthless wenches/temptresses/crazy. So sorry about that--but you'll ahve to get over it. You could read Proverbs 31. It basically talks about how women have essentially all the rights of men and are amazing--a truly good woman. The Bible isn't all dominating over women--w00t!

(2) Jesus is referred to as "The King of Jews". If Jesus is a King of Jews, then why aren't Christians...Jewish?

On this you don’t have the slightest clue—but that’s because you haven’t read any of the Old Testament, anything on the Bible,…literally, anything that would tell you what was going on. So: most people at the time that Jesus was around were Jewish. The Jews were "God's chosen people," (God picked the Israelites to inherit the land past the Jordan after they left Egypt--read Exodus and on) but when Jesus appeared, they didn't accept him. They didn't recognize that he was the Messiah, Savior...whatever--"The King of the Jews." They were expecting an actual KING--not a peaceful guy who healed people and went against what the regular religious leaders of the day said. Jesus essentially went against all customs to say that whoever you are, whether or not you follow intricate customs, you are still a child of God and available for salvation. That's why he was killed.

(3) Two words: Immacuate Conception.
Now I've heard some whoppers in my time. Like this one time I was watching Maury Povitch, and this woman swore that she had never had sex with her cousin, and when her cousin turned out to be the father of her kid, she went crazy and kept screaming that her and her cousin had never slept together. That was pretty rich. But claiming that Mary was somehow magically inpregnated by God...man, if I saw that on Springer, I'd be rolling around. And I think you would too. You know it.


If you don't believe the bible or in the supernatural, you won't believe this, so give up and don't talk about things you don't know about.

(4) Joseph claims God spoke to him in his dreams like a thousand times.
They say "dream". I say "stoned haze". Think about that.


True, opium was popular "back in the day." However it goes back to faith--believing in something that seems a bit sketchy and outlandish. If you believe that people can talk to the dead, or that we have a soul after we die, or that there are people who are clairvoyant and can converse with the dead, then this should be easy to believe too--because none can be proved by science, really, only by belief. If you choose to believe he was in a "stoned haze" then that's your bag. It's okay not to believe in a god, though it is quite depressing to think that there is no life after death and that life means nothing.

(5) So we hit Chapter 4, and "Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness, to be tempted of the devil." For 40 days and 40 nights, brothers and sisters. Did anyone go with Jesus? No.
Now, I have no doubt that the good man went walkabout. But I think he partied hard those nights, because it'd be the last time the man would get some time to himself. And who can blame him, ain't nothing wrong with that. Wilderness Girls Gone Wild Volume 4. Yeah, you get what I'm sayin'.


Christians believe that Jesus was the Son of God, and so Jesus was sinless. You are basically insulting their whole religion, but you are logical to think about these things. The fact is how you say--it takes a "brave person to believe in religion" because not all of it is cut and dry, and many people are skeptical because it could have been tainted by human hands. However, the basis of Christianity is the belief that Jesus was the Messiah, or the PERFECT son of God who was sacrificed for our sins so we can get into heaven. It's like the sacrifices in the Bible, except more amazing. Jesus basically sacrificed himself as an appeal for our afterlife. God wanted us to come to heaven so bad that he sent a part of himself down to experience being a human and sacrificed himself by suffering immense pain and insult so we could get into heaven to dwell with God. Any decent Christian will refuse to believe that Jesus went partying, just as you refuse to believe that he went into the desert to get away from people and find God.

(6) The Sermon on the Mount. Good heavens, I could go on forever about this little ditty. The overall sentiment is, for the most part, fine. But I have a few problems.
First and foremost, Matthew must think I'm a damn cracker foo' if he thinks I'm gonna believe that he remembered everything Jesus said word for word. It is my belief that Matthew probably added in some things that he thought were important personally. For example, the divorce part. It's pretty muddled, and I'm having a fair time trying to understand it. So I say unto you, dear readers, that the reason this part is muddled is because Matthew added it. Because his wife cheated on him. A lot. And who can blame her when he's following another man around like a puppy? He gottsa take care of his bizzniss. Shyeah. And wot.


There are many different views on how the Bible was written. For example, some people think that it is God's word VERBATIM--some think that it is just what the prophets wrote being inspired by God, some think that it's just intelligent literature. All views tend to be very optimistic and basically believe that the people who wrote it tried their best to be truthful. Whichever way you choose to look at it, if you don't believe that people weren't trying to lie, you are wasting your time. That is where "faith" comes in--that is, believing in something that doesn't logically seem true. If you aren't striving toward faith all you are going to do is ridicule it and not get anything out of it--like you are doing with this entire thing. The bible wasn't written for you to decide what you didn't like about it. It was written so you could read it and see what you could get out of it, and possibly help you live your life in a better way to follow God. Some people call it an “instruction manual on life.” You could also have a muddled bible which could make you think that Matthew shoved it in there of his own accord, so I would suggest NIV to get it a little less confusing.

(7) By this point, I've read a lot about fasting. The Bible promoting anorexia and bulemia? Is that what I'm saying? Damn right that's what I'm saying. Might as well grab the Bible, slap a picture of Sarah Michelle Gellar on the cover and call it Cleo.

I suppose you could do that if you wanted to. However--the fact is that fasting is a way of purifying the body, even today. There's also some places in the Bible where it asks the followers of God to love God with their "heart and soul" and let God be their bread and such. The fact is that this could also stand for putting your trust in God, enough to entrust your whole body to him and not worry about having anything to eat or drink--living on the word and breath of God, rather than the bread and water of earth. Depends on how you look at it, but you're more literal. The fact is that this is a part of society at the time, and thus the bible--they are not promoting anorexia and bulemia.


(8) There are zombies in the Bible. That's right. You heard me. Zombies. Don't believe me? Allow me to refer you to Matthew 8:28:
"And when he was come to the other side...there met him two possessed with devils, coming out of the tombs, exceeding fierce, so that no man might pass by that way."
See? Evil people coming out of tombs = zombies. Not that I have anything against zombies. Zombie movies are okay. But I don't think zombie character assassination is acceptable, especially in the book of the Lord.
We should accept and love all of Gods creatures.
Even the ones that eat brains.
But no, he sends them into a bunch of pigs who then throw temselves off a cliff into the sea. Like a weird suicidal swine moshpit of doom.
(Note: In Matthew 10:8, Jesus tells his disciples to go forth and, among other things, "raise the dead", which leads me to believe that Jesus perhaps created zombies for fun, and then hunted them for sport.)


This is where your bible fails you. If you get NIV, the translation is much easier to understand rather than the garbled one that you have. In the NIV it states:

"When he arrived at the other side in the region of the Gadrenes, two demon-possessed men coming from the tombs met him. They were so violent that no one could pass that way. 'What do you want with us, Son of God?' they shouted. 'Have you come here to torture us before the appointed time?'
Some distance from them a large herd of pigs was feeding. The demons begged Jesus, 'If you drive us out, send us into the herd of pigs.'
He said to them, 'Go!' So they came out and went into the pigs and the whole herd rushed down the steep bank into the lake and died in the water."

Demons are mean so they wanted to kill the people's pigs. Dur. And it doesn't matter that they were coming from the tombs--they were just possessed.

They were demon-possessed men, not zombies, though that could easily be confused with that passage! So you should probably go see about getting a different bible. See what I said earlier about "raising the dead" as well.


(9) So we hit Chapter 13, after a whole heap of healing and nonsense. Here we find Jesus on a ship, screaming out stories about seeds to a multitude of followers standing on the shore. Crazy guy, eh? And his disciples are all like "Dude. why are you talking in parables?" (A parable is a simple story with a moral, or religious significance. Word of the day. Use it in a sentence today.)
And Jesus says "In a nutshell, because they're dumb."
I'm paraphrasing, but you get it.
So...is Jesus saying...his followers are stupid? Can not comprehend the words that are coming out of his pie hole? Let me tell you, he'd make it a whole lot easier if he spoke normal English, that's fo shizzle. Instead of all these haths, untos, etc. And if he quit talking in freakin circles. He does that a lot, my man Jesus. Repeats himself too. Especially something about plucking your eye out. I saw him say that like three times.


First of all---it's your bible version with all the haths and untos and thous. Also, he wasn't saying that they were stupid. AND--you are severely paraphrasing--to the point of being completely wrong. In the NIV:

"In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: You will be ever hearing, but never understanding, you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people's heart has become calloused, they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, and understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." Turning means go back to God and love him. Jesus is actually talking about people like you and I. He's saying that these people have refused to follow God and be his people so he is essentially talking to them in parables to help them understand in more everyday terms how they are not obeying and loving God; they are like the seed that falls on rock, in thorns, and good soil. Some believe quickly but quit because they aren't deeply rooted, some fall in thorns which choke the plants--you could think the temptations of life and the deeply ingrained disbelief, sin, and cynicism in our society that can often destroy faith in God. The last is the good soil, the people who are deeply rooted and not distracted by mortal life, but rather striving toward a larger goal. This may sound like self-deprivation, but it's more like self-control. I'm trying to find out where it says in the bible that I can't do that--or if it's just a manmade assumption.


(10) Jesus is kinda pissed in Chapter 21, and makes a fig tree die. And his people are all like "Whoa man, you killed that tree dude." (See how I could turn the Bible into a feature film a la "Dude Where's My Car?" Yeah, that's a killer idea).
And Jesus was like "Fo sho, I could say to this moutain 'oi! fall into the ocean!' and it fully would because that's how God and I roll."
And then Matthew says, get this: "And all things whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall recieve."
Now that's a pretty big call. "All things"? So what if I...well, not I, as I don't "believe", as it were...but what if someone asked for something that didn't exist...like a...big pink dragon that sings caberet tunes? I mean, why would you claim something like that?
I'll tell you why. It's a trick statement. That's right. Y'know why?
Because a true believer wouldn't ask for anything more than what they have.
See, even I know that, and I'm a freakin' heathen.
Why would you say that if it's a trick?! WHY?! Jesus is a mind screwer of the highest degree. It just ain't right when a leader does that.


You get whatever you want if you are perfect like God, like Jesus was. However--humans aren't god.
So that's why you don't get whatever you want. Read a bit on original sin on the website at the bottom of the page, and such and so on, and you'll be more educated about why we aren't perfect.


Read the whole bible and read many other books on it (as well as other religions) if you want to become more familiar with what you are rejecting! :) That's what I'm doing at the moment (not sure what I believe, if anything). I have a new Hindu book that is interesting. It's really good to educate yourself on that because it's all wise stuff, whether it's completely, literally true or not. Most people who claim to be openminded (I'm guilty of this myself) are the most intolerant and judgemental people in society. Most basic religions aren't made to control humans, they are made to help them better themselves (I don't know about premarital sex, I haven't found where it says anything on that in the bible). The religions that end up seeming really annoying or bossy are usually because of humans screwing things up or becoming too involved--for example Catholicism and Mormonism. No offense to you guys, but...damn. Think about it.

The fact is, it takes the most brave and patient person to recognize their spirituality and learn about it. We're not just organisms, unless that's what you want to believe. And that's quite depressing! There's another book if you're interested "Why Religion Matters" by Huston Smith. Check it out!


Thanks for the interesting viewpoint.

OTHER HELPFUL BOOKS AND LINKS (for Christianity):

[link]
NIV bible (Teen Study Bible is helpful)
"Why Religion Matters" by Huston Smith
"The Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2005
Finally, the comment I've been waiting for.

Sorry about the delay. I work full time, and so on, and I wanted to do this right.

Before I begin my retort, I think you need to understand that this is satire.
You are taking what I wrote far too seriously considering it's a satirical piece.
If you actually think that I believe the Bible is like Cleo, you're nuts.

However, I'm willing to play.

reali[z]e

Do not correct that. I'm Australian, not American. We spell it as "realise".
I'm aware there are other spelling mistakes. But that is not one of them.


The people of the church brought politics into religion--not God himself.

That's my gripe, basically. If God exists (which I'm not denying, he may well exist, who knows), he's a great God, a funny God, a loving God who doesn't care if I work on Sundays, have pre-marital sex, or write something like this.

Reading ONE chapter of the bible is not going to help you understand Christianity any better.

I know. This isn't a thesis on why religion is bad/good, and I'm well aware my knowledge of Christianity is intermediate at best.

It's important to take into account that Christianity is not the only religion and despite what other people think, the Bible is an extremely intelligent piece of literature.

I know that too. It has good ideas in it, and for the most part, puts forth positive ideas. However, I strongly disagree with a lot of what the Christian church represents, which is based on their interpretation of this book.

I was planning on hitting heaps of religions at once with this sort of critique. My next piece will be about the Koran, if I stop being lazy.


Another thing is that the bible is not to be taken literally for many parts--Jesus talked in riddles.

You say that. My good friend, who's Christian straight down the line, believes it is all to be taken literally. That's your view, not the view of many who follow the teachings of the Bible.

If you don't look at it in all different ways, you end up sounding like an ignorant fool who is overly cynical about a subject not made for cynicism.

Any subject is made for cynicism, and who are you to say otherwise? I'm well aware the Bible does not have freakin' zombies in it. It's a form of interpretation, just like your interpretations, and is no more or less plausible. What makes my interpretation so ridiculous compared to others?

Last I heard, religion and politics were the top subjects for satirical writing.


Begats and such are important in the bible to follow the geneology of ancestors. So don't read them if you don't like them. They weren't meant to entertain you. It's just documentation.

Again, well aware.

As for the soap opera idea--nobody cared back then.

This is now. I care. That so bad?

Know why people read my piece and are most likely to skip over your critique? Because the only way to get through to people on a large scale these days is via entertainment. Peoples attention spans are too short, you need to keep them on their toes.


And the women—for the most part, society, up until around 100 years ago, thought women were retarded and worthless wenches/temptresses/crazy. So sorry about that--but you'll ahve to get over it.

Sorry what, 100 years ago? How about now, dude? I'm not a burn-my-bra feminist or anything, but women are still seriously undermined these days.

Oh right, I'll get over it because it happened thousands of years ago.

You get over Jesus, then. Just let it go, man, get over it. Years ago.

While you're at it, forget about the Holocaust, the JFK assassination and the Gulf War.

Sorry about that, but you'll have to get over it.


You could read Proverbs 31. It basically talks about how women have essentially all the rights of men and are amazing--a truly good woman. The Bible isn't all dominating over women--w00t!

Oh, essentially! Good, I was worried for a while there.

On this you don’t have the slightest clue—but that’s because you haven’t read any of the Old Testament, anything on the Bible,…literally, anything that would tell you what was going on.

My Christian friend says the Old Testament is basically seen as outdated.

You people need to get a unitied front on this, as Dr Phil would say. Seriously.

That's what I don't understand, in regards to your reaction.. they're interpretations. Your interpretation, my interpretation, my Christian friends interpretation, the crazy preacher on the street corners interpretation.. who's to say YOU are right? What makes YOUR interpretation so great and mine so fucking ridiculous?


So: most people at the time that Jesus was around were Jewish. The Jews were "God's chosen people," (God picked the Israelites to inherit the land past the Jordan after they left Egypt--read Exodus and on) but when Jesus appeared, they didn't accept him. They didn't recognize that he was the Messiah, Savior...whatever--"The King of the Jews."

That doesn't answer my question. If God picked them to inherit the land (how he did that, I dunno, via fax or whatever), then why not be Jewish? Who cares if they rejected Jesus at the time, God chose them, so.. why not be Jewish? I mean, in retrospect.

They were expecting an actual KING--not a peaceful guy who healed people and went against what the regular religious leaders of the day said. Jesus essentially went against all customs to say that whoever you are, whether or not you follow intricate customs, you are still a child of God and available for salvation. That's why he was killed.

There ya go with your literal interpretation. A crowned man falling from the sky like "Sup bitches? Put some 20" rims on the nearest camel, because the King is heeeere!"

Sorry. I know you hate that. I'm a little riled up today.

Yeah, I guess non-Jews would be pretty sore about that. About Jesus being killed. Still, I say in retrospect, y'all should be Jewish. You get land. Land! And during these hard times regarding real estate.


If you don't believe the bible or in the supernatural, you won't believe this, so give up and don't talk about things you don't know about.

Do not tell me what I do and do not know about the supernatural.

For the record, I do believe in certain aspects of the supernatural.

Instead of going on a wild tangent, I will say this: Supernatural occurances tend to be similar across cultures, countries and continents. However, where in any other religion or culture has immaculate conception occured?

If you're so wise, you explain it to me.

Here's my theory: Jesus, most likely, existed. Mary, most likely, had sex to conceive him. Jesus was probably an awesome guy who made people feel good. He was a man, a great man. And, like most great men, a mythology formed around him. Because he was wonderful, too good to be true.


True, opium was popular "back in the day." However it goes back to faith--believing in something that seems a bit sketchy and outlandish.

I have faith. Faith is believing in something that can't be proved, and I don't think that means it has to be outlandish.

If you believe that people can talk to the dead, or that we have a soul after we die, or that there are people who are clairvoyant and can converse with the dead, then this should be easy to believe too--because none can be proved by science, really, only by belief. If you choose to believe he was in a "stoned haze" then that's your bag. It's okay not to believe in a god, though it is quite depressing to think that there is no life after death and that life means nothing.

I think life means what you want it to mean. Who knows who is right? Do I belive in the Christian God? No. Do I believe in a higher power? Yes. That's why I live life as a good person, why I don't discriminate. Yes, laugh away, as I may seem discriminatory in this piece, but believe me, a fair chunk of it is out of anger towards the Christian church. For people who bang on about eternal love, they're quite judgemental and full of hate towards people who don't conform to their ideas of what a good, moral person is.

Clairvoyancy is often regarded by the Christian church as pagan, evil activity. Yet when it happens to Jesus, it's fine?

On the other hand, I've spoken to a Christian who once told me that healing powers, clairvoyancy, are gifts from God.

Which I thought was a much nicer way of looking at it.

But again, it comes back to interpretation. Who's right? Who freakin' knows. They're all Christians, all reading the same book, totally different interpretations.


Christians believe that Jesus was the Son of God, and so Jesus was sinless. You are basically insulting their whole religion, but you are logical to think about these things.

Logic wins again.

It's insulting because I'm insinuating Jesus was a man, I suppose? Whatever man, they tell me I'm going to hell, bag out my homosexual friends and try to deny me my right to choose abortion.

Sorry for stepping on toes, but I got no toes left.


The fact is how you say--it takes a "brave person to believe in religion" because not all of it is cut and dry, and many people are skeptical because it could have been tainted by human hands.

That's the issue. Religion is great in theory. Like communism. Then you add people to the equation and it fucks everything up.

However, the basis of Christianity is the belief that Jesus was the Messiah, or the PERFECT son of God who was sacrificed for our sins so we can get into heaven.

But we're not getting into heaven ..?

It's weird.. God loves everyone, but eternal hell awaits for those that go against the teachings. It's contradictory, the whole thing.


Any decent Christian will refuse to believe that Jesus went partying, just as you refuse to believe that he went into the desert to get away from people and find God.

What do you mean, refuse to believe? You don't know what I believe. It's a satirical piece of writing, not a philosophy I use to dictate how to live my life.

40 days to find God eh? I should take 40 days off work.


There are many different views on how the Bible was written.

You're telling me. Y'all are confusing me.

Whichever way you choose to look at it, if you don't believe that people weren't trying to lie, you are wasting your time.

What? Says who, you? Who are you? You said it yourself, people taint religion. Any version of the Bible you read, it was interpreted by people, who had it interpreted from an entirely different language by some other people, who got the manuscript from another group of people. It isn't entirely impossible that values that were prominent at the time were added, not with malicious intent necessarily. And you're being naive if you think otherwise.

If you aren't striving toward faith all you are going to do is ridicule it and not get anything out of it--like you are doing with this entire thing.

Again, it was a piece written for satirical and entertainment purposes. Do not propose to know anything about me or my faith. I'm strong enough to step back and say, hey, I get that it's positive to some, but I can see the world around me, and see the damage that Christianity is causing as well as what it is healing. Stop acting like religion is all sunshines and rainbows.

The bible wasn't written for you to decide what you didn't like about it.

Says you. I can do what I like with it. I'm allowed to. It's a book, of philosophy, like any other, and is open to criticism, like any other.

It was written so you could read it and see what you could get out of it, and possibly help you live your life in a better way to follow God.

Clearly, I got something from it. Do you think the overall sentiment of what I wrote is negative?

However--the fact is that fasting is a way of purifying the body, even today.

It's unhealthy. It's just a physical symbol of purifying the body and soul, nothing more. Your soul will not be saved by going all Kate Moss on our asses.

This is where your bible fails you.

Hoho, ah man, don't start me about the difference in the Bibles.

Demons are mean so they wanted to kill the people's pigs. Dur. And it doesn't matter that they were coming from the tombs--they were just possessed.

Ah yes. Silly me! They're not zombies, they're possessed! How could I be so stupid?!?! Possessed people coming from places where dead people are laid to rest!...
...
I maintain zombies. Down the line.


First of all---it's your bible version with all the haths and untos and thous. Also, he wasn't saying that they were stupid. AND--you are severely paraphrasing--to the point of being completely wrong.

Completely wrong? He's saying people won't understand the true voice of God! He's using parables so they better understand, because they don't have the capacity.

I consider the majority of the Bible a gigantic parable, and for some reason that's so wrong.


You get whatever you want if you are perfect like God, like Jesus was. However--humans aren't god.
So that's why you don't get whatever you want. Read a bit on original sin on the website at the bottom of the page, and such and so on, and you'll be more educated about why we aren't perfect.


See, that's bullshit. We will never be perfect like God no matter how much we try, because we are human, and I find it extremely unfair that we're supposed to feel guilty about that. Original sin? So we can forever feel guilty about something we can not control? We were made as we were made, by God, He is well aware of what comes naturally to us. We are wonderful people, most of the time. As a whole, we're kinda fucking ourselves over at the moment, mostly over what is essentially religious conflict. But I think most people, on an individual level, are fundamentally good. That is how God made us. God knows we try, but recognises we slip up because we're human, not because we wish ill upon others or ourselves.

The fact is, it takes the most brave and patient person to recognize their spirituality and learn about it.

I recognise my spirituality, and I don't think that I'm saying otherwise.

Are you disagreeing that it takes a more brave person to place faith in themselves before religion?

I believe if you place your faith in religion before yourself, you run the risk of being easily led. You run the risk of losing yourself, your dreams and ideas, to an institution who dictates how certain decisions ought to be made.

I get the idea of what you're saying, and I'm not toally disagreeing. However, as much as I enjoy a serious discussion regarding religion and it's significance, I really don't think a satirical piece of writing is a good platform to jump from.


:ahoy:
Reply
:iconscrumptious:
scrumptious Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2005
Haha, I'm not even Christian. And I'm not exactly trying to tell you you're a complete and utter moron. I realize, realise, that this is just a satire and you were trying to get some laughs. But for some reason I was on a tangent and I thought that (although my knowledge is rudimentary and somewhat retarded in aspects) that I would explain what I knew--just saying that Christianity isn't all that bad. It works for some people, and I think it's a good way to live your life as long as you follow it well--that means not being judgemental and such and so on, and being a fuck-face and screwing up the church and using people for your own benefit. Such is the church.
I have lesbian/bisexual friends, I don't shriek and try to exorcise the demons when they enter the room, I still have difficulty believing that Jesus was a "Messiah" AND I happen to have trouble believing that all of the writers of the bible were truly "God-inspired" and thus, free of error. I happen to hate most people's interpretation of religion and the laws therein, and I find a lot of religious and/or Christian people to be extremely narrowminded, fake, bitchy, annoying...etc. etc. Then again--people who don't give a fuck about religion are also that way. That's the way people are.
The hostility is kinda annoying but I suppose some things I said could have been taken pretty badly, so sorry about that. I was in a weird mood....bleh. I had a friend next to me who wanted to chew your head off because I showed her your dev.! I actually kept her from writing because she would have been pretty f-ing pissy.
BUUUTTT other than that
I think you should poke some fun at Hinduism, really. Then I might be inspired to actually read my Bhagvad-Gita...or however you spell it....*ugh...* :p
Have a good night
`shme
Reply
:iconananke:
ananke Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2005
Have I told you lately that I love you? With all the going to hell goodness that entails since, y'know, you're a heathen and a girl and yeah.

Total love.

The Old Testament is great for history, for contextualising. As a spiritual guidance? Not so great. Even the Jewish people don't base their faith entirely on it. Christians certainly shouldn't.

Jesus understood satire and the power of parable. It's astounding few of his 'followers' do.

Also? [i]Sorry for stepping on toes, but I got no toes left.[i/] Fucking brilliant.

Also a bit of background for the monkeys - I'm Christian, adult convert.
Reply
:iconohmyinsanity:
OhMyInsanity Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2005
On this you don’t have the slightest clue—but that’s because you haven’t read any of the Old Testament, anything on the Bible,…literally, anything that would tell you what was going on. So: most people at the time that Jesus was around were Jewish. The Jews were "God's chosen people," (God picked the Israelites to inherit the land past the Jordan after they left Egypt--read Exodus and on) but when Jesus appeared, they didn't accept him. They didn't recognize that he was the Messiah, Savior...whatever--"The King of the Jews." They were expecting an actual KING--not a peaceful guy who healed people and went against what the regular religious leaders of the day said. Jesus essentially went against all customs to say that whoever you are, whether or not you follow intricate customs, you are still a child of God and available for salvation. That's why he was killed.

-----

thats not true, the jews didnt accept jesus because he didnt fullfill the requirements of the messiah which are heavily articulated in the oral law.

this was further emphasized in nachmonides debates with the church in which he WON and was exiled.

the big problem is that reading the old testament in any language other than hebrew really leaves out most of the essence and lessons which are derived from the use of certain words in hebrew rather than other words which would seem more likely to fit. this is the entire basis for the talmud which for some reason isnt accepted by christians even though god specifically mentions the written law AS WELL AS the oral law.

furthermore. early christians kept kosher as well as performed circumcision up until paul decided that it wasnt necessary.

i dont understand how one guy, paul, can make up laws which go against things which jesus' followers kept themselves after he died. so it would be wrong to say that jesus did not believe in the intricate customs.

and to close i would like to tell you that according to judaism NON-jews only have to keep 7 basic laws in order to go to heaven. jews have to keep 613. not to mention that HELL doesnt exist in judaism like it does in christianity. in judaism going to hell is a temporary thing (max 12 months) based on how much you sinned that year before you died (considering you atoned every year on the day of atonement aka yom kippur). so its wrong to say jews claim that you must keep INTRICATE laws to reach salvation.
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2005
I find that extremely interesting - I've always wondered how different the Old Testament is in Hebrew.

613 laws to stay out of Hell? That's incredible. And the whole basing it on the year before one dies. Amazing.

Thankyou so much, that was great. Informative.
Reply
:iconpsychomelodramajean:
psychomelodramajean Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2005   Photographer
I greatly appreciate that you put effort into writing a comment like this. You put everything into words in a way I never could have.

I don't think we should force our religion on anyone, but I find it disappointing that so many people find it necessary to put it down, and completely insult huge crowds of people simply because of what they believe. Isn't this, hell, discrimination? I'm not sure if that's the word, I'm looking for, but you get my point.


Anyways, beside all that, that was an amusing piece of literature. I'm not putting down the author of this in any way, just in case anyone got that idea.
It made me laugh in several parts.
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2005
It's definately a thorough comment by Scrumptious, that I will get to eventually, when I have the time to respond properly.

However, what I find disappointing (and was part of what prompted me to write this), is the Christian church openly bagging other large sections of society (ie: homosexuals, Islam etc) over and over again.

I may be guilty of being a little discriminatory in this piece, however it is a drop in the ocean compared to the discrimination of the Christian church.

I don't feel you were putting me down. It was not supposed to be malicious at all. It was just supposed to make people think. I much prefer comments like this than "omg so funny" comments. Because I'd rather such things were discussed. Religion is the cause of so many problems in this world, and also possibly the greatest healer of people. It's such a contradiction - it promotes such love and hate at the same time - and that's what intrigues me.

I have a good friend who's down-the-line Christian who would contradict a large portion of what Scrumptious said, and that's amazing to me. There are so many interpretations of what is essentially the same book, no matter what words it's put into.

Thankyou for the comment, and I'm glad I at least made you laugh.
Reply
:iconpsychomelodramajean:
psychomelodramajean Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2005   Photographer
I understand what you are saying, but one thing I have to defend for my faith is that the religion does not promote hate, it is the people who promote the hate. It is because people misinterpret the Bible.
Yes, the Bible says that homosexuality is wrong, however, the Bible does not say to judge them, nor to hate them. Why? Because we are all sinners, and none of us have the right to judge.
People take it too far and believe themselves above others and that they should condemn.

You seem to have more respect for Christianity than many people, and I appreciate that.
Reply
:iconmeow-:
Meow- Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005
Suprised you haven't had any over the top christians threatening to throw large family Bibles' through your window...
Hehe...
T'was very funny ^_^
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005
I'm surprised too! But you never know... they could come out any minute... :crazy:
I'm glad you liked it :D
Reply
:iconcircularthinker:
circularthinker Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005
that was hilarious.
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005
I'm glad you thought so.
You loved the Sarah Michelle Gellar bit. Loved it.
Reply
:iconcircularthinker:
circularthinker Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005
it's true.
Reply
:iconellenjanuary:
ellenjanuary Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005   Writer
:rofl:
I could not even finish reading this!
Where's my laughing floor?
You know, you could be killed for even thinking this stuff?
:rofl:
Ok, later, I'll put the bottle away, and...
Oh, just wanted to add... The Roman Catholic Church claimed about 910 million "adherents" at last count... Who Knows the actual amount of Christians in general? What ever happened to the lions?
The New Testament is corrupted propaganda. Believers themselves are confused. But I say...Ha!
When I sober up, I'll be baaaack...
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005
No, never come back sober! NEVER!
Reply
:iconthe-digger:
The-Digger Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005
Wow, I Hit Random Deviant And I Got You. You Have Some Awesome Shit Here. I Am Surprised You Didn't Have Some Bible-Beater Saying How "You Are Going To Burn In Hell For All Eternity" Or Some Other Bullshit. You Pretty Much Nailed it On The Head With This One. Definatly Getting A Watch For Shit Like This. I Am Keeping My Eye On You. Keep It Up, Please.
Later,
J
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005
Haha, thankyou so much, I'm so glad you liked it!
Yeah, I was pretty surprised too, I was expecting a little "You're going to hell, HEATHEN! DIEEE!" But, unfortunately, I got none, hehe.

Thanks for the watch, and I promise I'll write more like this eventually ;p
Reply
:iconstercusaccidit:
StercusAccidit Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2005
Ok, from one sarcastic person to another. I loved it full on. "Wilderness Girls Gone Wild Volume 4" and "The second Cumming of christ" would be instant buys over the net and any p2p program. it would even knock that paris crap off the list.

I saw the title and it was almost a instant Fav, then I read it and it has become the fav of all favs!

P.S
I once turned a staff into a serpent as well....then I woke up next to a broom stick and an empty jar of peanut better @.@

P.P.S Zombies!
Reply
:iconjfmuni:
JFMuni Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2005
err, for
"at first, it seemed too funny so i just kinda sat here, reading some more..."
i meant to say "
at first, it didnt seemed too funny so i just kinda sat here, reading some more..."

but i'm sure u picked that up already :P
Reply
:iconjfmuni:
JFMuni Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2005
BLASPHEMY! *throws holy water at you*

at first, it seemed too funny so i just kinda sat here, reading some more... right up until i got to this part:
We should accept and love all of Gods creatures.
Even the ones that eat brains.

that had me dying on my chair... then it just kept getting funnier and funnier
(especially when jesus killed the fig tree) ...
:laughing:
i was raised catholic and i always found so many contradictions and bizzare stuff about this religion...
christianity is basically the same thing (except for the whole praying to saints thing) ...
and i always wondered how the hell people could buy into this crap..
i mean, even the priests aren't buying into it anymore, with molesting boys and what not...
so once i reached 18 i was pretty much done with those beliefs and any other religion...
plus, its not like i'd be going to heaven, what with me being a whore and all :slow:

...although, they do say that the toughest criminals and rapists can go to heaven as long as they repent before they die... so i'll be sure to pray right before i die from drug overdose in a few years...

:clap: thanks for the good laugh ;P
Reply
:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2005
Haha, I'm glad you liked it :D

Organised religion is just funny, I think. Not without its good points, but you gotta look at it and laugh sometimes, keep a realistic perspective.

Come on, you loved the Sarah Michelle Gellar part, I know it! ;p

:slap: Don't call yourself a whore. Silly.
Reply
:iconjfmuni:
JFMuni Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2005
:lmao: :flirty:
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:iconzenithvoid:
zenithvoid Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2005
personally i think that a lot of the ironic parts of the bible would make more sence if u read the whole thing. i mean to say that while it is quite repeditive it also is trying to get through to the dence people out there so it takes time to explain itself to the daily reader. but in the end things make more sense.
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:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2005
How many Christians/Catholics do you think have read every word of the Bible? From start to finish? As in a percentage. I don't think many would, and I don't blame them, I think you can get the general jist without reading the entire thing ;p
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:iconzenithvoid:
zenithvoid Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2005
the ones who are serious about their devotion will read the bible 2-3 times in their life. but that is all besides the point. i was just making a suggestion to help u clear up some of the questions u posted, because somewhere in all the repition the bible put together the missing pieces of the puzzle so to speak.

besides that it was all in all an interesting piece!
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:iconsoz:
soz Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2005
Hey, im catholic (in the lightest sense of the word, my sisters wedding was the last time I was in church :D ) but this shit had me cracking up :D

Especially "Wilderness Girls Gone Wild Volume 4", had me grinning like a fool :D
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:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2005
Haha, I'm glad you liked it! :giggle:
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:iconrebeccaa:
RebeccaA Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2005
Very amusing indeed:)

Don't confuse religion with Christianity though babe.
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:iconlight-jeremy:
light-jeremy Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2005
"Like a weird suicidal swine moshpit of doom."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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:iconprincepoo:
princepoo Featured By Owner May 28, 2005
i'm not religious, but if you're going to criticise religion like this, i think it makes you sound as ridiculous as the book you're trying to critique.


"So...is Jesus saying...his followers are stupid? Can not comprehend the words that are coming out of his pie hole? Let me tell you, he'd make it a whole lot easier if he spoke normal English, that's fo shizzle. Instead of all these haths, untos, etc. And if he quit talking in freakin circles. He does that a lot, my man Jesus. Repeats himself too. Especially something about plucking your eye out. I saw him say that like three times."

"So I say unto you, dear readers, that the reason this part is muddled is because Matthew added it. Because his wife cheated on him. A lot. And who can blame her when he's following another man around like a puppy? He gottsa take care of his bizzniss. Shyeah. And wot."

these parts [and pretty much most of the whole thing, except the beginning and the end] are funny, but i'm laughing at you, not with you.
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:iconlady-serendipity:
lady-serendipity Featured By Owner May 29, 2005
I don't really care why you're laughing. All that matters is you do :D

I mean, obviously that first excerpt you have there is supposed to be irony.
"...a whole lot easier if he spoke normal English, that's fo shizzle."
Yeah? Yeah. It's at my expense, but oh well.

I'm a ridiculous person, and if I sound ridiculous, that's cool. It's not a serious piece. I (and a lot of people, I imagine) could bang on for pages with serious reasons why the Bible/Christianity/organised religion is shit, but where's the fun in that?

Do you think I actually see the bible containing zombies and anorexia as reasons for being against Christianity?
'course I don't.
Just pointing out that it's interpretation that makes religion as great/fucked up as it is.

I do appreciate the comment. It's nice seeing the different ways things can be received.
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:iconpigeonwings:
pigeonwings Featured By Owner May 7, 2005
loved it ;p
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